-blown off
-b: R.
R.: yes?
-b: explain why there is a pile of prophylactics on my floor
R.: oh your package arrived. I think the note explains that
-b: well now this large one, i’m not sure what to do with it
R.: oh, I see one of mine got in there. my bad
-b: hold on. hold. HOLD. HELP
-b: see, i didn’t think you were going to take it there
R.: now about those condoms, do you know how hard I laughed when she asked me “books are the only thing in here?”
-b: that’s good. really it is
R.: I wondered if they were going to x-ray it to be sure. I mean I only paid media postage
R.: then, the flavors textures, etc. carmine told me to write that the large one should be used by your boyfriend
R.: but I knew my original comment was far more funny. “IF you get lucky”
R.: meine SNES ist kaput
-b: c'est terible
R.: quelle
-b: what the fuck ever.
R.: I see you were talking with your boyfriend carmine
-b: no R., remember my boyfriend has a big dick
R.: see, I had no idea sending your some condoms would be this much fun
-b: hold on a minute, my rejoinder has left me on the floor. honestly
R.: I don’t know how they taste really. I just thought it funny: vanilla, chocolate, cola, grape
-b: well since i haven’t mastered the art of sucking myself off, i guess i won’t find out anytime soon. but you can be sure the day i do, i will slap that shit online and make me some money
R.: I have a friend that will pay top dollar for a video of that
R.: carmine wants to know if you have ever masterbated with a condom
-b: masturbated. Urbated
R.: i knew you’d get it
-b: yes, and i’m not going to answer that
R.: of course not
-b: and why would i bother doing it with a condom? no mess?
R.: well, to keep that over the shoulder action from happening
-b: well really, when you get right down to it, the shower is less messy
R.: carmine said “not unless it gets on your leg hair.”
-b: he must be a, what was it you called it, dribbler?
R.: yes. he only shoot when he gets excited
-b: oh. must be one of his short comings
R.: then it’s all “I hit the nape of my neck.” and I’m all “amateur”
-b: R., i need to ask you a question
R.: sure -b. shoot
R.: HOLD ON
-b: HELP
-b: so back to my question: am i sitting here talking about masturbation with two gay people
R.: men. two gay men. but yes. yes you are.